So This Thing Happened.

I'm now the mom of a Kindergartener.

Apparently, when you continually feed children, they grow. And when they grow, they end up needing an education beyond what can be provided by Netflix kid shows.

So today was his second day of school.

And some little girl tried to kiss him. And asked him to go on a picnic with her.

He relayed this story to me while we walked home from school today.

"She wanted to go on a picnic, but I told her we aren't old enough yet. Kids can't go on picnics, mom."

I. AM. SO. DONE.

A slice of life, Stay-at-home Swag edition.

Here's a peek into a small part of my day:

Pick up phone, notice that your period app says you're now one week late. 

Walk in bathroom, hunt for pregnancy test, because you know you have one from the last time this happened. 

Find test, sit down, pee. 

Breathe easy, it's negative.

Scroll through Facebook for 20 minutes while pooping. The kid is at MDO, so you can do this in peace. 

Decide your ass is numb, and you should probably get up now. 

Wipe, only to discover that hey, you really aren't pregnant, and now you can hit the Start button on your period app. 

Get pissed that you just wasted a pee stick. 

Get up, get tampon.
Drop entire tampon and applicator in toilet.

Deep breath, get another tampon.

Sit back down, write post.

The end.

Little Miss "Look At Me, Look At Me!"

I am a music lover (follow me on Spotify! I promise it's ridiculous and awesome). I am a fan of naps, enchiladas, and coffee. I love to work with yarn--knit and crochet, and I snort when I laugh. I like watching videos of cats falling off of shit, and any show with Gordon Ramsay (my #1 chef crush). I cuss too much, and I'm lucky to have a kid that doesn't repeat it too often, although he claims that "dang" is a bad word, but "damn" is okay. Somehow he got that backwards...

I turn 32 this year, and I'm just now wrapping my brain around being a girl. Curling irons completely baffled me until about a month ago. It's getting easier. A week or so ago, I learned how to curl my hair with my flat iron--who knew that shit could work? Makeup isn't a new thing, but it had been a really long time since I wore it regularly. Before quitting my job, I worked a shift that started at 7am. And there's no way I could pull off hair and makeup and clothes and be on time for 7am without waking up at like 5:30 and that just wasn't an acceptable option. Paired with a really casual dress code, most days were makeup free and a messy bun.

So lately I've been shopping in my own closet (and also my husband's closet--thanks for not bitching when you came home to me wearing your favorite button-up!) and pairing things together to recreate outfits from Pinterest. Some recent wins:

I spent a wonderful evening recently sitting on the couch at a friend's house, talking and shooting tequila until WAY too late for two moms to be awake and drinking on a school night. But it was exactly what I needed. (Thanks for that, BTW!)
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Recently in Mommy World:

The kid got in trouble at school. So he came home and got punished--had his toys taken out of his room, as well as his TV.

Punishing your child in this way is also a punishment for the parent that has to stay home with the kid who doesn't have toys to play with, or a TV to watch. I've spent the majority of that week with a small child as far up my ass as he could possibly cram himself.

But the things we didn't remove from his room--his stuffed animals, his books and puzzles--he's been actually playing with them! Imagination running wild with the stuffies! Bringing me books to read until I can't answer another "Why, momma?" about the characters, and I ask him to read me the story instead. We already knew he was fast as hell at doing puzzles. We won't be sending all of his stuff back to his room--we've needed to do a toy purge since before Christmas as it is, and he seriously DOES NOT need that amount of stuff.

He helped me clean his room, throwing away trash and random toy pieces that he didn't want anymore, then he use the swiffer to help me clean the floors.

I'm hopeful that his behavior at school will straighten out so he can earn his stuff back--because right now it's taking up all the space in my craft room and I don't have anywhere to hide. Oh. And I also want him to be a success human being. Also that.

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Currently Listening: Delilah by Florence and the Machine.

Hashtag. Basic.

I realized after getting out of the house for a couple hours, that I was literally the most basic bitch ever today.

Sweater, boots, socks and leggings? Check.

Messy bun that I worked for 10 minutes to get it just right? Check.

Made a stop at Starbucks while I was out, and spouted my order like a pro in the drive-thru (Tall Latte Macchiato and a chocolate croissant, that's all, thank you) and stuck my phone out the car window for them to scan to pay (super convenient, bee-tee-dubs). Check.

Then I went to Hobby Lobby. Bought myself the pieces to make a monogrammed necklace. Check.

Eyeballed wall art with arrows and trite phrases, and vowed to come back and check for when they were all half off, because who the hell buys full price Hobby Lobby? No one. You know that shit is just gonna be on sale within the next two weeks. Anyhoo. Check.

Then, when I got home, I decided to think about what to wear to church tomorrow, and uttered the phrase, "I need some Pinterest inspiration". Check. 

#blessed.

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Kid Wisdom--

Knox, upon seeing the super-low full moon tonight: "If we could grow into giants, we could touch it!"

Dungeon Of Terror

About 4 and a half years ago, I hopped up on a surgical table and had a kid.

Today, I took him to his first birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.


pictured: me, SUPER fucking pumped for an afternoon in the Seventh Circle.

A few things about me that you may not know:

I have an extreme dislike of puppets. And people in costumes. Halloween is my own personal brand of Hell.

I'm really not a huge fan of small spaces teeming with screaming children either.

So obviously Chuck E. Cheese on a Saturday is the place to be, right?

The Chuck E. Cheese here in Beaumont has been the subject of at least one YouTube video, in which there's a pretty epic brawl. So honestly, I was hoping for the best--a repeat performance.

There weren't any fights, though. Some littler jerk stole my tickets off the skee-ball machine, though, and his mom just looked at me like "what are you gonna do about it?" (Answer: Nothing.)

But really, Knox had a great time, and it got him out of the house for a couple hours, to give his poor daddy some time to rest and get over the stomach grossness he had going on.

A couple OOTDs from today:

The first is my birthday party outfit. The best part about this one? All of the clothes came from WalMart. Each piece was under $20. Probably under $15 if I'm really thinking about it hard. These faux leather jeggings might be my new faves for cold days, and they look pretty relaxed with my Chucks and a slouchy tee and hoodie. Throw on some red lipstick  (NARS Velvet Matte pencil in Cruella) and it's a done deal. Earrings from Old Navy,  my AH-MAZING dinosaur skeleton necklace that was a random cheapo purchase from a Facebook ad.

And then there's the OOTD that I was dreaming about every second I was at the birthday party, because at heart, I am a lazy hermit.

A Parting Thought: I had three beers last night (Lone Star, because I am a classy bitch, after all) and I woke up with a foggy brain. This is what people don't tell you about getting old, isn't it?

See you at the crossroads...

Rest in Peace, dear friend.

You and I have so many good memories. That time we got you and your family as a gift at our wedding shower. That time I drank wine from you. That other time I drank wine from you. That time you sat on the side of the sink for a month because I kept forgetting to hand wash you. The glorious day when I discovered those weird little post things that clip in to the dishwasher and hold wine glasses and I finally gave up on hand washing wine glasses.

I'm sorry it was my selfish need to de-clutter your home of those stupid Target One Spot divided kid's plates that contributed to your demise. I'll pour one out in remembrance of you, homie.

In Memoriam

Wine Glass
2009--2016

pictured: You and my $6.78-est bottle of wine.

 Wise Thought Of The Day:

"Wiping your own booty is always an option."

Stay At Home Swag.

I decided tonight that the world needs my voice. 

Now I guess I just...start writing? Is that what happens here? Yeah. 

So I'll start from the beginning. 

In November of 2015, I left my job after 9 years at the same company, to be a stay-at-home wife and mom. At 31 years old, this is basically the first time I haven't had a job since I was 18. Turns out, I'm totally prepared mentally for this. I haven't had a single "DAMMIT I WISH I WAS AT THE OFFICE" moment. On the contrary, I'm the happiest I've been in years. 

But there are things that are totally new to me-- being the person mostly responsible for keeping us from showing up on an episode of Hoarders, trying to elevate my style to something slightly above the sweatpants-clad zombies at MDO drop-off...you know. The hard shit. 

So this is my new life. These are my stories.